collection compiled by
Timothy M. Dees
Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous
girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey, let's
go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer replied,
"Sure. Out of what?"
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
A
lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself,
"I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his
driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car
was a total write off. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. A good
Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding -
my God, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed,
"My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny.
A
man wanted very badly to see a West End play, but it took a year to
get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day came
and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man in the
seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In conversation,
he learned that the man was a lawyer, and that he had bought the other
seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished
man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to
waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the
play. The lawyer replied, "Yes, several of those wanted to come,
but they're all at my wife's funeral."
Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A: An empty suit.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any aspirin.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site
when plumbers are working?
A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Two
boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the ground.
When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue. One boy said,
"The nut is mine, I saw it first." The other boy said, "The
nut is mine, I have it in my possession." They were just about
to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the
lawyer to adjudicate their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for
the opportunity and said, "I will settle your dispute this way.
Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you
had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And, for
my fee, I'll keep the kernel."
Two
tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost
tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly
thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to
be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger
disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing
it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.
He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you
just lick me twice in the butt?" The other tiger replied: "Yeah,
sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste
out of my mouth."
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The
first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash
with colour inside." The second doctor said, "I much prefer
engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."
"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are lawyers.
They have only two parts - their mouth and their rears - and those are
interchangeable."
"You're a cheat!" shouted the lawyer's client. "You're
a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case
alone!" "That's gratitude," said the offended lawyer.
"And right after I named my new yacht after you."
Q: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a drunk pig won't do.
If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker
to come along would destroy civilization.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million
accomplishes anything worthwhile.
Two
doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doc asked
what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.
The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started
to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients
out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his
pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for
the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was
leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up,
he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it." The first doc
asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?" The second medic
answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to
sue himself!"
A
fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder.
He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third
of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich.
The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich. After this
goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I
don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck
is it with that little guy?" The customer replies, "Well,
I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie.
He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the genie shrunk
my lawyer!"
Q: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need - but you can't understand a word of
it.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.
A doctor was holidaying at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he
spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it
was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've
got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the
play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man
is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more
become a Parliament."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the
judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honour," he said,
"I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. Why
do you want to have him arrested?" "Well, your honour,"
replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he
went and took the car I stole."
These
two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the
Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry,
we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry
lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends
to below the cloud cover. George says,"I still can't tell where
we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So, Harry yells down
to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the
man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up
in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer." Harry says, "How can you tell?". George
says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country,
to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the
lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two
up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On
one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay
with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well,
they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they
went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in
tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into
town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The
sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with
the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's
in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions
of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had
to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting
an eye, leveled his gun,took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya
do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would
YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
A
lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If
a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have
a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The
lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me £8.50.
Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer,
without a word, writes the butcher a cheque for £8.50 . Several
periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
the lawyer: £20 due for a consultation.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli
general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general
told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front.
It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came
to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"
Two lawyers took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day,
they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against
a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged
from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear
that the lawyers' rifles were too far away to do them any good. One
lawyer began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he
was doing that. The man replied, "Because I can run faster without
them." The first lawyer told him, "I don't care how fast you
can run, you'll never outrace that lion." The now-barefoot man
told him, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun
you."
One
morning at the law office, one lawyer looked at the other and said,
"Wow, you look really terrible this morning." The other lawyer
replied, "Yeah, I woke up with a headache this morning and, no
matter what I try, I can't seem to get rid of it." The first lawyer
told him, "Whenever I get a headache like that, I take a few hours
off during the day, go home, and make love to my wife. Works every time
for me." Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met again. The first
told the second, "You know, you look 100% better than this morning."
The second replied, "Yeah, that was great advice you gave me. You've
got a beautiful house, too. "
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had
a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live. "Isn't
there anything I can do?" the patient asked. "Marry a lawyer,"
answered the doctor. "It will be the longest six months of your
life."
Eternity: one lawyer waiting for the other.
There is a finite number of physicians that a population of fixed size
will support. The same theory holds for teachers and engineers. However,
this principle does not seem to apply to lawyers. The more you have,
the more you need.
She:
You just don't care anymore!
He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel
better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to America?
She: No.
He: What about a new Jaguar?
She: No.
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.
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