collection compiled by
Timothy M. Dees
A
woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said
that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's
no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified.
She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor
replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone
inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The
little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mummy,
why did they bury two men there?"
Q: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
A: Deep down, they're much nicer people.
A
solicitor was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared
before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for
you. You can win every case you take on, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you,
and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange
is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of
your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all
your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for
a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
A hitchhiker is standing on the roadside near the law school with his
thumb out. A motorist stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?"
He tells him that he is not. The motorist drives off. A second motorist
stops and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" He again replies that
he is not. The motorist drives off. A third motorist, this time a striking,
voluptuous blonde, stops, and asks, "Are you a lawyer?" The
hitchhiker says that he is. The girl tells him to get in, and off they
go. After a few minutes of admiring the driver, the hitchhiker exclaims,
"This is really something. I've only been a lawyer for five minutes,
and already I'm thinking about screwing somebody!"
A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was £50.00 for three
questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes,"
the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most
toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
It
seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was
considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large
office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he
could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his
father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or
not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea,
and this arrangement was set up immediately.
On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was
a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began
the conversation as follows: "Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people
named Gonzales who have a farm on the east side of town. For many years
I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised,
the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding
and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his
son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were
raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short,
we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client
came in. A young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class.
"My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town,"
he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family
tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been
raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong
to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and
cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership
of the cows."
"I heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of
concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to
me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows." "DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be
ours!"
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
A
lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client
who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with
its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately
sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place
of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful
woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan
snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested
in taking the case.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either
being made.
The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise
the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.
A jury is a collection of people banded together to decide who hired
the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school
tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back
right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said,
"Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks
defiance.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular,
"Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on
hearing this: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling
him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer
replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of
twelve."
Did you hear about the lawyer who stepped in cow dung, and thought that
he was melting?
A
physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them
belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician
said, "Remember that, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam
and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine
is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before
that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and
thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession
than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up, "Yes, but who do
you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Lorenzo
Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when
he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local
general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered
around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one
offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he was, and
that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of
Hell, much like the traveller in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers
asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here:
All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to
impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office
come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke
into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm
not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.
I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who
had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your
phone."
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions.
No one would build a robot to do nothing.
A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a storm breaks,
battering their small boat with sheets of rain and blasts of wind. Looking
off the bow, they spot still more cause for pause: the surrounding waters
are thick with circling sharks. As the storm intensifies, it is clear
that their only hope for survival is to swim for shore for help. The
three draw straws, and the lawyer, who gets the shortest, bravely jumps
overboard. At once, he is approached by a toothy shark. "Jump on
my back and I'll take you in," says the shark. The lawyer hops
on and grabs a fin. The doctor and priest are awestruck. "Hey,"
explains the shark. "It's just professional courtesy.
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A
doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and
remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked
for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send
a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly
acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken
man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
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