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Am I making the right decision to end it? (6 Posts)
Started By:
23 January, 2018 12:52PM
Am I making the right decision to end it?
sheffieldM - 23 January, 2018 12:52PM

I am looking for some advise please.

I have been with my wife for 9 years and have a 5 year old daughter.

Me and the wife are basically very different people and I don't think we are compatible. We love each other but everything is just constant bickering, nearly every decision and we don't see eye to eye on most things in life to be honest. I like to do fun things - she doesn't. She would be happy basically doing nothing in life other than clean the house and watch coronation street.

We have been in this rut for at least 3 years now. In the week we are parents (good parents)- we are not really a couple. At the weekends I feel like I am a single dad anyway as mostly its me and my daughter doing things together.

It's come to make a decision and I think it is the right one to end it - not for my sake, but my daughters. I know its going to be so traumatic on her but I am more afraid of carrying on like this and then separating when she is older as that could be catastrophic on her.

I struggle to see how this marriage can mend because we are different - I don't want to change and be 'boring'. I don't expect the wife to suddenly change and do things she really doesn't want to do.

My main focus on this decision is my daughter:
- I've thought about staying with wife until Daughter is old and leaves schoold but it can't be healthy listening to parents bickering daily (not arguing but constant disagreeing)
- I'm scared of trying again and again and it finally coming to an end when she is older as this will affect her more. This is not an overnight thing - its been a few years now.

From my points:
- If we separate I will be able to do the things I want to do such as camping with my daughter because she will be with me at the weekends.
- There is a chance there is someone more compatible out there (although currently last thing on my mind)
- I can come home without being constantly affected by her depression and moods.
- I will be back in control of my life - if I want to do something I will.

- Daughter being affected
- Missing my daughter when I come home from work - we are super close
- I will miss the wife because I still love her and want the best for her
- I will worry about the wife mentally

I'm just looking for some advise really and how to progress the decision. I don't want to make a decision I may regret.
Re: Am I making the right decision to end it?
puma931 - 23 January, 2018 04:05PM
I suggest you both go to see someone at Relate (or similar organisation). I presume you must have been in love at some point and you should both work to try and resolve your difference. I think having children can amplify differences, so it can be harder to make things work, and you should also consider the possibility your wife could be suffering from postnatal depression. Try and make it work with professional support and take it from there.
Re: Am I making the right decision to end it?
jill_of_all_trades - 23 January, 2018 06:56PM
Amateur diagnosis here. Your wife resents the fact that somehow she has ended up as the person who always does the boring, drossy chores and necessary life admin while you pick up all the fun weekend times with your daughter and despise her. Suggestion: clean the house from top to bottom, do the shopping and the washing and then ask your wife what she would like to do at the weekend with you and your daughter and make it happen even if you don't think you and your daughter will enjoy it.
Re: Am I making the right decision to end it?
sheffieldM - 23 January, 2018 07:52PM
It's two way - i do the chores as well. She genuinely doesn't want to do things.

Over Christmas everyday I must have heard at least 6 times every day that she hates christmas and cant wait for it to be over. We have a 5 year old child who's best time of year it is and loving it. To me that is really sad.
I'd understand if she was alone with no family but not what you have a young child.

This is just a small example. Even when daughter at parents she doesn't want to go out and do anything fun. We go to a party and she wants to come home at 9pm. Swimming with family and she will just paddle and watch while I do the fun things with daughter.

It is really sad that i cannot remember the last time I saw my wife genuinely happy and smile/laugh without it being faked. This has been the case over a few years and I just feel its time to face reality as horrible as it is going to be. I'm dreading it but just thinking with my head now.
Re: Am I making the right decision to end it?
HatMan - 24 January, 2018 10:15AM
This forum is more about legal solutions rather than life advice....

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 24/01/2018 10:16AM by HatMan.
Re: Am I making the right decision to end it?
davidterry - 24 January, 2018 11:42AM
Hatman has a point. This is a divorce forum. As a divorce lawyer I do not see happily married people. Obviously there are happily married people but for very good reasons they do not need to speak to a divorce lawyer.

Having said that, not everyone here is a divorce lawyer and I am sure there are many people who have gone through a rocky patch in their marriage. If anyone wants to offer any advice or tips about that they are welcome.

For what it is worth I am not sure that I agree with jill_of_all_trades point about what the wife in this case may or may not resent. There is nothing to suggest that in the original post. Also, I can tell you from much experience that two spouses can sometimes be very different and over time these differences can cause problems. For instance (taking an example from a very different area) one spouse can decide to become a Jehovah's Witness and the other spouse can (and often will) find that unbearable and ultimately intolerable to live with. That is a case of genuine incompatibility and there are many others. Often they take time to come to light,
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