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History: Home UK Divorce Forum
Topic:
Divorce advice (21 Posts)
Started By:
Date:
12 September, 2017 08:48PM
Divorce advice
mpen - 12 September, 2017 08:48PM
Hi,

My stepdad told my mum in the winter that he wants a divorce, they came to an agreement on how to split things up evenly. Over the past week we have learned that he was sleeping with another woman that we know quite well, the husband of the woman in question is one of our close friends that we have both worked with. I won't get in to the nitty gritty details of it but let me just tell you the man my mother married is a monster, and my mum wants to fuck him over and leave him with as little as possible. I was living in Canada when this started to go down and have since moved back to the UK to support my mum. Luckily, we convinced him to move out of the house even though the house in both of their names so legally he has every right to move back in to the house, despite the fact that he should be ashamed to show his face around here and quite frankly i would make sure his life was a living hell in the most legal way possible. Unfortunately, the house has just been remortgaged and so it won't be for another 4 or 5 months that mum can move the house in to her name and we can change the locks and rest assured he won't be bothering us at home.

Obviously, my mum is desperate to cut all ties with him and get a divorce as soon as possible, but the courts will financially award him with half of everything, half of everything being a business in the UK, a house in the UK, a house in the west of Canada and a house in the East of Canada, a few cars and a fair amount of money. The guy hasn't made much (if any) of a contribution to my mother's success and we are starting to get the feeling that he is playing her for the money. Much to our delight, he is currently living in a freezing cold caravan (he apparently can't figure out how to turn on the heating - he hasn't even washed his own clothes in the last 20 years) because his parents have said they don't want him in their house and all his friends have turned their backs to him. My suggestion was that - as much as my mum wants a divorce right now - she should lead him on that she doesn't know if she wants a divorce or not. When the divorce is settled and they move on to splitting the finances it is ultimately game over and he has essentially 'won'. As i understand it, after two years of separation he will be able to file for divorce, but at the moment if mum doesn't file for divorce on the grounds of adultery then he can't do shit and will spend a long time struggling to find someone to come and show him how a washing machine works.

Any advice? Anything we can do to further this man's misery short of breaking the law? Any thoughts on stalemating a divorce?
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 12 September, 2017 08:52PM
Just to clear things up, when we look at the timeline of things, he was sleeping with this woman for about a month before he told my mum that he wants a divorce. That was nearly 9 months ago, we found out last week about the relationship that he had been lying about to literally everyone he came in contact with.
Re: Divorce advice
Andyk - 13 September, 2017 05:35AM
If he wants he could issue a divorce petition tomorrow and divorce your mother for unreasonable behaviour and realistically she won't be able to do anything about it.

You don't say how long they have been together but if this is a long marriage, whatever you say Babur him cheating or not contributing to the marriage, unless there a £millions to fight over, the starting point for a split of finances would be 50/50 whether you like it or not. The fact that he committed adultery has nothing to do with the finances as that is completely separate to the divorce.
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 07:43AM
I am aware of the 50/50 split, that is why i was asking about dragging the divorce out for as long as possible. As for unreasonable behaviour, we spoke to a solicitor about him leaving the house; while he does have the right to live in the house we were told that any judge wouldn't make a deal about asking him to leave the house and is in fact quite common that that happens.

As for unreasonable behaviour, i don't know what would constitute that as we have done nothing to him so far apart from ask him to leave the house which he has agreed to. They have always used separate bank accounts so she hasn't moved any money away from him, he just doesn't have any of his own money. She has allowed him to take one of the cars which is in her name.

They have been together for 20 years.
Re: Divorce advice
HatMan - 13 September, 2017 07:50AM
There you go ...unreasonable behaviour right there...controlled him via money by forcing him to have a separate account, allocating resources ( car) and asking him to leave the house ( now these may or may not be reasonable to you and me but any solicitor worth his salt will make a case around that) - and frankly why wouldn't you just get on with it anyway ?? - You are just stretching out your own misery by not dealing with it and potentially costing you even more money in the long run.
Re: Divorce advice
Andyk - 13 September, 2017 07:56AM
Almost anyone can have a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and a solicitor would be able to word such a petition that it wold get through the court. By virtue of the fact that he went off with someone else means that the marriage has broken down and there are two sides to every story, as I said, a good solicitor would be able to have a chat with him and elicit enough information to make a case.

As far as I know a court would only order someone to leave the matrimonial home if there was a danger to the wife/children from violence, domestic abuse, that sort of thing, that however is water under the bridge now if he has already left.

After a 20 year marriage it is unreasonable for one person to try and use the "I paid for everything, you never worked" card as they were happy for that to continue throughout the marriage and never did anything about it.

If you step dad is suitably advised, he would be able to progress a divorce and force financial resolution whether your mother wants it or not.
Re: Divorce advice
HatMan - 13 September, 2017 08:02AM
Also...your plan of remortgaging solely in your mother's name is doomed to failure - and even if you could somehow force the mortgage through he will still be entitled to half and will get it - you are trying to hold back the sea like King Canute on this.
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 08:07AM
I don't understand control via money.
Nothing has changed finances wise, they have always had separate money, he makes some money working his dream job (a little less than a standard UK wage because he was overpaid by mistake a few months ago, and didn't declare it thinking he could steal the money, and so now they are taking the money back by docking his pay check) which pays for trivial things like eating out, petrol etc etc while she has always managed the mortgage, groceries, flights to other countries, maintenance (gardeners, cleaners etc).
As for allocating resources, the car that he drives was a birthday present a few years ago - that is why it is in her name, because she bought it for him - and has allowed him to take it with him while they are separated.
As for asking to leave the house, like i said, he is more than welcome to come home anytime he wants and he knows that, but has agreed to leave the house - his choice. And like i said, this is apparently very common and any judge won't really care about this, unless our solicitor is lying to us which i don't think he is.
As for stretching it out, i ask that people read the original post but i'll say it again - the sooner they divorce the sooner the finances are split up and he will have a couple of houses and nice lump of money, which we are almost certain has been his plan for a long time now because before we found out about his lover he wanted to settle all this without lawyers, his plan was to move into one of the houses with his lover. i might add that she is younger than me, more than half his age, and clearly gold digging. What i'm talking about is prolonging the divorce, not refusing to divorce. He has no grounds to divorce (apart from the minor things that you have pointed out which i don't really buy into, but nevertheless) and so she has the upper hand as far as controlling when the divorce papers are served. If she thinks she still loves him (or at least acts that way) then he would potentially be stuck in divorce limbo.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 13/09/2017 08:26AM by mpen.
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 08:10AM
As for remortgaging the house, he doesn't want the house, has already said multiple times that she can have it. that is not a problem.
Re: Divorce advice
HatMan - 13 September, 2017 08:52AM
You are missing the point - Unreasonable behaviour can be almost anything, whether you or I think it really is or not - If he wants a divorce now he will get one and there is nothing at all that you or your mother can do about it, in fact your comment that your mother has 'allowed' certain things regarding property would be more than enough for any half decent solicitor to illustrate that she has controlled him through money.....their marriage is a long one and it doesn't matter who earned what during it they are equal partners.

If he wants out now he will get out and with a divorce - you really cannot prevent this.
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 09:09AM
HatMan Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You are missing the point - Unreasonable behaviour
> can be almost anything, whether you or I think it
> really is or not - If he wants a divorce now he
> will get one and there is nothing at all that you
> or your mother can do about it, in fact your
> comment that your mother has 'allowed' certain
> things regarding property would be more than
> enough for any half decent solicitor to illustrate
> that she has controlled him through
> money.....their marriage is a long one and it
> doesn't matter who earned what during it they are
> equal partners.
>
> If he wants out now he will get out and with a
> divorce - you really cannot prevent this.

Can you please be more specific? Like, literally what is unreasonable behaviour? She has offered to pay rent so that he can get an apartment, our solicitor has told us that this is okay to do but not to transfer the same amount of money on a regular occasion so that it doesn't look like we're paying him off.
As far as i understand, you can't just want a divorce and go ahead and do that. Both parties must agree that it is time for a divorce unless you have a very, very good reason to do so without the other party agreeing (adultery being one of those reasons).
I appreciate you picking holes in our case, that is why i am here, but you keep saying 'unreasonable behaviour' without an actual example of what that is. the reason he has had no control over the finances is because he is too stupid to organise money and any financial forensic that took place (although it never would happen because the courts just don't care or have time to do that) would show that she has not been 'hoarding' money but rather organising his life for him (as i stated before, he doesn't know how to work a washing machine).
I should also explain that we have kept the horrible details of all this away from his dying father and healthy mother who would be further more disgusted at what he has done (again, no need to go in to details but the woman in question knowingly had an incurable STI, it is most likely that he has it, and possible although unlikely that my mother has it). He is trying to keep things amicable as to keep this information quiet.
So far, all we have done is asked him to leave the house which he has agreed to and talked to our solicitor who has very clearly outlined what happens over the next few months. We are waiting on his pension information to determine how to split things up evenly (a house for mum, a house for him, a car for mum a car for him, money here money there etc etc) so that he can put a package together to offer him for the financial settlement - which is different and separate from the divorce proceedings.
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 09:13AM
For instance, a financial forensic would show that she has been paying the mortgage, paying the vet bills, paying half of his parents mortgage for them, paying for his car, paying for all the little luxuries that he has in life. He has by no means been struggling for money or had a hard 20 years. The only thing he has paid for from his own stash is the Sky tv which is 30 pounds a month.
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rileynaomi12 - 13 September, 2017 10:01AM
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Another bogus 'Dr' scamming mugs.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 13/09/2017 10:15AM by davidterry.
Re: Divorce advice
HatMan - 13 September, 2017 10:13AM
You keep talking about how she has paid for everything - that does not matter - I will give you a couple of examples of 'unreasonable behaviour' but as I say almost anything can be deemed unreasonable in certain circumstances -

Belittling and demeaning actions in public

Excessive time spent at golf club/football/bridge club etc

Restricting access to mutual funds

Gambling etc etc etc

I guarantee that if push came to shove any one of us could find a reason to divorce our current partner....I could say my wife spends every weekend riding her horses and she could say that I spend every weekend playing golf or watching Luton Town FC - these are both true statements....and for us we are more than happy with it...but if either of us wanted a divorce we could turn that on it's head and say that it was excessive...that's the way it works.
Re: Divorce advice
rileynaomi12 - 13 September, 2017 10:16AM
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Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 10:22AM
HatMan Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You keep talking about how she has paid for
> everything - that does not matter - I will give
> you a couple of examples of 'unreasonable
> behaviour' but as I say almost anything can be
> deemed unreasonable in certain circumstances -
>
> Belittling and demeaning actions in public
>
> Excessive time spent at golf club/football/bridge
> club etc
>
> Restricting access to mutual funds
>
> Gambling etc etc etc
>
> I guarantee that if push came to shove any one of
> us could find a reason to divorce our current
> partner....I could say my wife spends every
> weekend riding her horses and she could say that I
> spend every weekend playing golf or watching Luton
> Town FC - these are both true statements....and
> for us we are more than happy with it...but if
> either of us wanted a divorce we could turn that
> on it's head and say that it was
> excessive...that's the way it works.




The reason i state that she has paid for everything is because you brought up controlling through money which is clearly not the case and any judge would see right through that. I am well aware that the past is the past and whatever happens he will get 50% of everything, which is why i was bringing up the point of prolonging the divorce so he spends as much time as possible without the lifestyle is trying to attain (bachelor house with a nice pocketful of money, whether he goes back to the diseased 24 year old is his own business after that).

As for the few examples you have given, none of those apply to our situation. If anything, a judge would look at his lifestyle and say that he was behaving unreasonably.

I am starting to get the feeling you have more knowledge about apocryphal anecdotes than legal divorce, but thanks for the advice anyway.
Re: Divorce advice
mpen - 13 September, 2017 10:24AM
rileynaomi12 i've reported you for spamming - irrelevant to the topic
Re: Divorce advice
HatMan - 13 September, 2017 10:37AM
If your mother's husband gets appropriate legal advice he will be told to apply for an interim spousal maintenance payment order...if this cannot be agreed between them it can go to mediation and ultimately to court - this would thwart your plan of leaving him in poverty for now.

Anyway - you don't seem to like the advice/information you are getting so I will leave you to it.

Good luck.
Re: Divorce advice
Andyk - 13 September, 2017 10:46AM
My wife was the one that committed adultery but she divorced me for unreasonable behaviour. She used "Controlling with money" and the underlying reason was that she was spending more than we were both earning and I was trying to put a stop to it as it wasn't sustainable. So, you see there can be any number of what you might think are trivial reason, or not a reason at all which can be used by a smart solicitor.
Re: Divorce advice
Bubblegum - 13 September, 2017 11:39PM
This is just an observation but it would seem you are not looking for divorce advice but more advice about how to punish him for being so awful towards your mother. You seem to want to delay the financial settlement so that he doesn't have the financial benefit of his fair share of the matrimonial pot until your mother decides he has suffered long enough.

Personally I don't think it's worth playing these games. I understand you and your mother are both angry and hurting but the best thing would be to settle quickly and put it in the past and move on with your lives.
Re: Divorce advice
Mike78 - 25 September, 2017 06:18PM
Hi bubblegum, How come to delay the financial settlement results him not to get any financial benefits ?
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