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My father's divorce sad smiley (2 Posts)
Started By:
20 January, 2017 03:27AM
My father's divorce sad smiley
OriginalLifeline - 20 January, 2017 03:27AM
Dear all,

I am above 18 and so is my brother. My dad has been trying to divorce my mother for years. This isn't one of those situations where the innocent wife hugs the children in protection of the abusive, negligent father. My dad is amazing, and I'm terrified that this divorce won't be fair towards him. It breaks my heart, that after all my life I've seen my parents suffer- suffering myself as a result- this story may not have the happiest ending.

The issue is this: my mother wants my dad to give the full property, and half of his salary. This may sound like a fair request, but when I give context it becomes a lot more unfair.

My mother mainly raised us, but there were some issues with neglect, even while we were children. If we were really unwell, then my dad would take time off work. My mother was quite psychologically damaging even when we were children, very demeaning. She also used to annoy my father as she wouldn't clean the house at all, and would not work either. Until I was about 18 she used to blame it on me and my brother, I used to hear her on the phone and all of our relatives would come and yell st us for 'troubling our mother'. I have realised now what lies these were, my mother doesn't work because either she feels incapable or she doesn't want to.

You may ask what the situation looks like now?

My father wakes up at 6am. He goes to work. He comes back at 10. He sleeps on a two person leather sofa in the living room, curled up. His blankets are in there now, but my mother still says ' oh why does he leave his blankets there', when they're neatly folded in the corner.

What does my mother do, and where does she sleep?

She used to basically be a paper boy but that didn't work out. Before that she'd have a job where she filled charity boxes with sweets and took them to different places in town so people inserted some money for them. This failed miserably however, and she got in trouble for sending the sweets squashed in broken boxes. That's because she just used to leave it in a pile on the dining room. So now, she does nothing ( she stopped cooking for us when we were about 12). She loads the dish washer but only by throwing everything into it with no care. It breaks so many times, and my dad has to fix it. When my father goes on holiday, the house becomes so filthy, apart from my bedroom and the living room. She gets a cleaner ( each time a new one as it's seriously dirty) to clean it the day before he returns. Her bedroom is really dirty, and smells awful. My brother and I speak to her from the door. She has a problem with mess.

She also has a problem with spending money. Her loans used to be HUGE, and she'd hide the letters form my dad. When he saw them, he'd cry, I remember and all the money going towards our education or another investment would be thrown into the water. My dad has always been the most parental. When I had surgery, he'd be with me all the time, giving me my medicine, lying near me. Making my meals with love and care. Reading to me. ( this was eye surgeries). During this time I'd hear my mother on the phones outside telling her friends ' no I can't work now because of him. I was telling him let's go to Budapest but he keeps saying his eyes aren't up to it, or another excuse'. I was raging.

Even in the more disciplinary aspects he was always better. Making sure we didn't spend all the day lying in bed, controlling our meals, going to bed in time, spending money properly, being honest, working hard. My mother doesn't have any responsibility towards our meals nor has she ever, so we have had to cook ourselves. I'd love it if she didn't have time to do these things, but she always did, she spends most of the day in her bedroom, lights off, eating bread with margarine in bed. She hoped we would adopt similar diets, and then of course the family were hearing how my brother and me even now we're picky eaters and spending all the money on luxurious food. We want a nutritious diet, not caviar!

The issue is that when separating things financially my mother wants the full property and half my dad's salary. But she's done little to deserve it ! Nor would the property be cared for, all the money would be drained away and she'd start building her loans again. She says it is the husbands duty to maintain the wife, once she called him her slave. It's remarkably anti feminist and it breaks my heart. I love my aunt, her sister, she's so self sufficient. She has time to work and not live a disgusting life. My father always invests, he's brilliant with money.

My father has had some issues with anger. It's not aggressive though, more like cries of a tortured prisoner ' I told her not to do this to the dish washer' ' Oh no, she hasn't paid this tax in weeks, the small one she agreed to pay, I would have paid if I knew but she keeps hiding the letters and ripping them. Oh god, they're saying she risks prosecution!'. She also calls him a villager and things because of his poor social class ( but look where is now!) . He gets horribly upset and then shouts st her. You may think she would go back into her room, upset. But when he shouts she comes out, stands in front of him and smiles. ' I'll record you answer get you fired' ' I thought your father's death would make you a good person'. She really does seem to enjoy winding him up. She calls it domestiv abuse. I remember my father coming up stairs with cuts on his face. Always shaving he said. It was never shaving, theynwere scratches. She used to get violent when he didn't start reacting to her winding him up.

How will the law see this? I think it would be fair if she got half the property and no salary money so she would get a job. She has plenty of money in her home country, and two luxurious apartments from her family. I want them both to be happy, but as my mother's sister whispered to me once in a phone call ' you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped'. Her family are too scared to say anything. We think she has problems, which is why I still tolerate her. I pray it's not malevolence but some form of mental condition.

I know this is mainly personal but please, tell me what would happen ?
Re: My father's divorce sad smiley
davidterry - 20 January, 2017 10:34AM
>>tell me what would happen ?

It depends on the figures and in particular:-

1. The value of the house and any outstanding mortgage,
2. What financial interest your mother has in any other property,
3. How much your father earns,
4. Whether there are any other savings or pensions and their value.

There may be more but these are the basic figures needed to work out what a realistic outcome would be.
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