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Topic:
Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner (10 Posts)
Started By:
Date:
21 December, 2016 02:55PM
Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Discombobulated - 21 December, 2016 02:55PM
Thank you to Terry & Co. Divorce Solicitors for laying out many of the facts associated with the divorce process in relation to men, I do have some clearer understanding of how it works now although am still unsettled by my partner's divorce process.

I will lay out some basic facts:

Partner marries and has 2 children.
House is purchased initially with both names on the deeds but partner pays deposit and mortgage, spouse is not working.
The spouse leaves of her own volition with no problematic issues other than discontent, relocates to mother's briefly. Children aged roughly 2 and 4.
Access to children is continued. Partner assiduously visits several times per week, weekends and provides.
Spouse shortly thereafter moves in with another man and produces a child by him.
Partner's access to his children continues.
Spouse moves out of new man's house and into a house purchased for her by my partner who pays both deposit and mortgage in lieu of maintenance as agreed by both parties. Access continues and all costs are covered by my partner.
Spouse then has a 4th child with a married man who is an absentee father. My partner assists in bringing up all children as one father is absent and the other at this point is not fully engaged at all, until both child number 3 and 4 are older and child 3's father is more engaged. My partner continues to pay for the house despite it now being inhabited by two other mens' children as well.
At some point the original house, which we currently occupy, is then under the sole name of my partner.
Spouse then meets another party who moves into the house paid for by my partner for a period of at least 2 years and they become engaged. My partner continues to pay although the spouse is now receiving support from the second father and has been working part time for some considerable time.
I move in with my partner during this period - his first serious relationship since the spouse departed as he considers the welfare of his children above all things, 2 years of relationship elapse before the step is taken to move in together. Access to children continues uninterrupted as do any requested payments and mortgage.
The above individual to whom the spouse became engaged moves out when it's apparent that someone else is on the scene.
Very shortly thereafter the new party moves into the house my partner is still paying for and child number 5 by him arrives within 10 months of his moving in. Incidentally he has a flat of his own, as he's in full time employment, that he is now letting out in order to stay at the house my partner pays for.

So we have a spouse who has 5 children, by 4 different fathers, who works part time (ask me how she finds the time!), receives maintenance from one other father, has had other partners, even been engaged to one of them (how do you even think of that when you're still married to someone else!) and lives in a house with the whole entourage at the expense of my partner.
Divorce proceedings are finally initiated after nearly 6 years of our living together despite several requests to resolve this untidy situation (this time ask me why on earth I put up with it for so long). He is currently completing the paperwork and advises that he will be transferring the deeds of the house in which she lives, and which he pays for, over to her and that he will continue to pay the mortgage until it is completed - this will be a period of 12 years from this date. He states that this would still be more beneficial, even though the boy is now 18 and not in further education and the girl will be 16 next year.
I am beyond confused as to why he should continue to pay a mortgage for her for a house which she will now effectively own, for a further 12 years. Surely the benefit to the children would be to make this money available to them or to purchase accommodation for them separately? Is he obliged to support her even though she is co-habiting and would he be obliged to support her to this degree after the divorce? We are stuck in a house we can't get rid of, my name is not on the deeds, because we cannot afford to move without selling this one.

I will add that my partner and his spouse have not lived together for at least 14 years and my thought was, however naive, that it should have been straightforward as long as he continued to see to the needs of the children until such time as they left full time education or reached their maturity. The spouse has never pursued my partner for any maintenance because it has never been necessary, all needs have been provided for and the agreement to pay a mortgage initially in lieu of maintenance was a mutual one. Surely this mutual agreement terminates on the children achieving their maturity and that the rate set by CSA or similar (which my partner seems to think would be less beneficial) has no bearing as they have never been involved and a mutual, private agreement was in place?
Is this continuation of mortgage payments effectively spousal support and payable despite the circumstances?

I should be very grateful for any clarification and I hope that, tangled as the situation is, that your answer on the forum might help someone else. As the 'newer' partner I would very much like us to move on in our own lives, something which we haven't really done for the benefit of the children. To be 'tied' to the (hopefully) former spouse financially for a further 12 years seems incomprehensible and quite distressing to me. Their situation is chaotic and my patience is wearing thin.
I will further add that the chaotic nature of the spouse's parenting has led to numerous issues. I did begin to recount some of these but realise that they may in fact be irrelevant.

Many thanks in advance for any guidance.
Yours
E M



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 21/12/2016 03:23PM by Discombobulated.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Bubblegum - 21 December, 2016 09:44PM
Wow! This is a rather messy situation. I lost track of the spouses and partners about half way through lol. In any case it sounds like your partner has now started divorce proceedings. I think he should get proper legal advice as to what would be a realistic settlement. He should formalise any agreement by way of consent order so that it is all legally binding and ideally aim for a clean break. Sounds like the wife Is quite happy with the current arrangement and probably relies on the husband's contributions to maintain her "household".
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
davidterry - 27 December, 2016 05:23PM
Ask yourself why your partner has allowed this situation to continue for so long. I suspect he has a very different take on this from yours. These are matters upon which you need to tackle him.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Discombobulated - 30 December, 2016 11:43AM
Bubblegum Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wow! This is a rather messy situation. I lost
> track of the spouses and partners about half way
> through lol. In any case it sounds like your
> partner has now started divorce proceedings. I
> think he should get proper legal advice as to what
> would be a realistic settlement. He should
> formalise any agreement by way of consent order so
> that it is all legally binding and ideally aim for
> a clean break. Sounds like the wife Is quite
> happy with the current arrangement and probably
> relies on the husband's contributions to maintain
> her "household".

Thanks. I find it messy and difficult to keep track of myself!

I suggested legal advice and he stated 'fine, we'll go down that road and pay ha;f of everything to the lawyers then!' Did not seme in the least keen to seek legal advice.
I agree that any agreement needs to be binding but his intimation is that the Court sorts that out once the documentation is processed so that the mutually agreed settlement is formalised. I'm not too clear on how that part is going to work.
And yes, bet your boots she's happy with the current arrangement although I'm not sure she needs to 'rely' on his input to maintain her household (particularly over that period of time) as she receives the usual benefits as well as working part time and receiving financial support from another as well as whoever happens to be living with her at the time.

Thanks for your input.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Discombobulated - 30 December, 2016 11:54AM
davidterry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Ask yourself why your partner has allowed this
> situation to continue for so long. I suspect he
> has a very different take on this from yours.
> These are matters upon which you need to tackle
> him.


I have asked him, and after some 2-3 years together I also asked her, the reply was the same from both at different times 'just haven't got round to it.' Hard to accept.

I've tried tackling him on the subject, the 'discussion' becomes pretty fraught and I have to admit it frustrates and angers me and he is defensive and then, as I see it, evasive although that could well be from an inability to explain his actions. I've outright suggested he go back to her 'No,' I've suggested I leave 'No.' I've outright stated the absurdity of the whole thing when looked at by an outsider. It is my belief that she does not want to re-initiate the relationship and I don't think it's because he does either. I've been patient and I've also lost my patience on three occasions, possibly four over that whole period of time on the matter of 'when will you get a divorce?' I stated categorically that I would not live with a married man (despite his being separated for 14 years when I moved here) and yet it's taken this long. My fault, I should never have made the decision until that was sorted.

I am willing to read blunt opinion on this subject if you have one, as well as legal advice. It's been an uncomfortable holiday period so far with this divorce issue hanging about. When the answer to 'why has it continued so long' is 'just didn't get round to it' it is immensely frustrating, beyond comprehension and sounds like absolute BS when you're on the other side. Now that it appears to be happening it's bringing issues of its own.

Thanks for your input.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Discombobulated - 30 December, 2016 12:00PM
In addition I'd be grateful for any input on when and how divorce proceedings could have been initiated and what would have been required as well as what is now required now that the boy is 18 and not in full time education and the girl will be 16 next year. I have absolutely no issue whatsoever with the children being financially supported.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Andyk - 30 December, 2016 02:25PM
One of them needs to petition the other for divorce, as they have been separated for more than 5 years it is really quite simple and neither needs the others permission.

It certainly sounds like he is in no hurry to divorce her and it does make you wonder why
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
davidterry - 30 December, 2016 02:38PM
>>It certainly sounds like he is in no hurry to divorce her and it does make you wonder why


Quite so. I think it is reasonably obvious that his perspective on this is very different and since it is he who must issue a divorce petition if a divorce is what he wants I don't think there is much mileage in telling a third party what he needs to do. If he wants a divorce he can have one. It is as simple as that. However, he is the one who has to do something about it if that is what he wants.

Similarly whether the OP continues to tolerate this situation or blows this relationship out of the water is a decision for her.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
Discombobulated - 05 January, 2017 05:49PM
Apologies, it may have been missed in the bulk of information but the divorce process has already been initiated, by my partner. It is something that has been discussed between them previously but neither seemed in any hurry to get on with the technicalities of the process. Neither is denying permission or in disagreement.

Having arrived at this point it is the terms of the divorce settlement which seem to be agreed between them with no legal advice taken that bother me - the soon to be ex wife seems to have benefited greatly throughout the years and stands to benefit further after the divorce. My query stands on the issue of his having agreed formerly to pay for a mortgage in lieu of maintenance and now agreeing to continue to pay that mortgage until such time as it is completed. My partner believes that he will be better off this way and intends to hold to the agreement made when he purchased (paid deposit and continues to pay mortgage) a house for her several years ago. His rationale at the time was better to have a roof over his children's' heads than have the money frittered away (agreed). I'm just having difficulties understanding why that should continue post the period of child maintenance.

As to the matter of why divorce took so long to formally initiate that has been under discussion again as have a number of other factors; the situation is fluid at the moment but we may look to reach a resolution in the near future. Given her chaotic lifestyle and his general prevarication and milder nature on most things, naive it may be but I'm almost inclined to accept "laziness" on his part and "didn't get round to it" on both parts as the truth. However we are yet to have a discussion on what happens should she marry this new man with whom she has just had another child and responses to a number of points which I have asked to be addressed are pending. If I don't like the answers or things do not move accordingly then you are quite right Mr Terry, it will be time to "blow [the] relationship out of the water.!" Perhaps Jeremy Kyle could sort it out.eye rolling smiley

Thank you both for your input.
Re: Divorce process for the man as viewed by the newer partner
davidterry - 09 January, 2017 05:27PM
>> I'm just having difficulties understanding why that should continue post the period of child maintenance.

Indeed, especially if it is at the expense of the lifestyle of any new partner.
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